Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "IT'S NOT WORKING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I'M GOING TO MOTHERS " I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.

   So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply b/c the wrong person will often say all the right things.

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!

   Everyone who blamed Trump for everything, are suddenly not blaming Biden for anything.

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?

   You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.

   why can't Twitter just die already?

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

   During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!

   One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.