Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Thinks it's funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

   Last week the people who wanted to delay Obamacare were called legislative arsonists and terrorists who were holding the country hostage. This week they’re called Democrats

   That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk so you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

   thinks it's kind of cruel that those people who fought in WWII and survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray are now referred to as 'Seasoned Veterans'....

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   I don't get drunk .. I get AWESOME!!

   The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.

   laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it's like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   Don't worry about what people say about you. I mean, my shower saw me naked. Imagine what its telling the toaster?

   people who migrate to another country should be expected to respect that culture as in no flag burning and wishing that OUR troops should be killed. They should be deported or arrested for treason

   I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

   They say you can't make jokes about blind people, just watch me.

   I hate when people win the lottery and insist that money won't change them, but then refuse to ever eat cat food again.

   Start texting "Let's get naked." to random people, you'll eventually get laid. I promise.

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it?

   There's nothing I hate worse than coming home drunk, needing to piss really bad and.... finding the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes.

   Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

   informed that I had offended some people with my statueses. Solution: I deleted them