Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year

   game over

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

   5lb cell phone, 10lb gold chain & 120lb boom box...no wonder 80's kids now have back problems.

   I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.