Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to the neighbor's cat and watch it run around the neighborhood like a little stegosaurus.

   If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.

   I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!

   The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on

   I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.

   It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?

   First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!

   well I've already broken my New Year's resolution, which was to be the ruthless dictator of Belgium.

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   I think it's cute how they call those little wimpy squeeze balls "Stress Balls". Because everyone knows if it were truly a "Stress Ball" it would made of solid concrete or cast metal. (So you could throw it at whatever stresses you out)

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   What can I say about Kanye West that he already hasn't said himself?

   i'll make better mistakes tomorrow

   I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.

   They say money doesn't being you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....

   Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money