Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

   "So!..where should we store 2,750 tons of high explosive for years on end?" "Just use that warehouse next to the firework factory, should be ok!"

   Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

   The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.

   Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

   Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?

   All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   "If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   God created the world in 6 days but took 9 months to create me, so clearly I’m a big deal.