Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas

   statistics show that 1 out of 20 of us live next door to a conivcted pedophile, not me though, I live next to two stunning 16 year olds.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it

   Kate Middleton Is Now Officially A MILF

   • My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!

   A.) Go to Google Maps. B.) Search for 47.110579,9.227568 C.) Find the green arrow. Then click more, then street view. D.) Click up 2x then right 2x..............They are watching us

   If we are in a car and I love the song that just came on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I will cut you.

   Definition of the word f**ked: When a man has a truck payment, a house payment, a wife, AND girlfriend...... And they're all a month late.

   The color 9 is my favorite letter.