Funny Status Messages
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I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun. 
Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.
Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.
For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.
I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.
VH1 is playing all Whitney videos right now. I forgot about some of these song. Then again, I forgot what a video was
I'm sick and tired of Pinterest invading Facebook! you need to stay on your side of the fence, we didn't invite you in our yard! Don't make me turn this into the Hatfield & McCoys!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I'm still not entirely sure what instagram is
Dear children, When you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.
Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.
Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...
Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.
...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.
B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."
dropped it like it was hot but couldn't pick it back up.
“Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)
Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.
Why doesn't the White House have a BIG YARD SALE to pay back the debt? 