Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I throw a stick will you leave

   This day needs more yesterday...

   Loves the smell of gun powder, thank you Chinese people..

   Guys with phone holsters surely would have been gunned down quickly in the old west.

   When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"

   There are 3 kinds of people in the world. One is the solution to the problem, one is the problem, while the other is wondering what was the problem???

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   Go ahead 'like' my day!

   I don't have A.D.D.. you're just boring me.

   I feel like my co-workers are family. I don't like spending time with my family either.

   Dead fish washed onto "Jersey Shore" cast's beach. The slimy, oft-horizontal twitching creatures say they feel bad for the fish....

   I read where the main Ingredient of Viagra was Miracle Grow and Fit-A-Flat....

   sometimes You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

   This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(

   annoying you with status updates for her own entertainment.

   woke up really really really early today just to post on facebook "i've beaten my alarmclock today"

   When is it considered to early to start drinking...cause I think I'm 4 hrs behind!!!

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   Life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.