Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would never hit an elderly person... but old man winter is really pushing his luck!

   going to watch earth hour on T.V

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to post about my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up condoms for my date with whats her name..........

   Post this if you know (or are related to) someone who suffers from stupidity. Stupidity is a real condition and should be taken seriously. There is no known cure for stupidity but we can raise awareness. 93% won't post this because they won't know how.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   I'm not afraid of heights, swimming, or love... Just falling, drowning, and rejection...

   heard about the new miracle diet? Its called "The Garlic Diet", where you eat nothing but garlic, and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...

   going to buy a boat some day and name it "Cirrhosis of the River"

   knows one thing about the speed of light...it gets here way too early in the morning.

   Hmmm....my wife just left the house in a big hurry with her winged monkeys in hot pursuit. Someone is in trouble

   I'm concerned that America will lose the next time we are invaded because this generation will be too busy staring at their phones to notice.

   Clean your rooms kids or I'll wear yoga pants when your friends come over. And yes thats a threat.

   May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.

   If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   if you don't already hate people, black friday shoppers is a great way to start.

   "Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.