Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her

   They need to make some people's mouth like a cell phone plan. When their Mouth Minutes run out, they shut up for the rest of the month....until they pay to talk to you.

   My veterinarian is also a taxidermist and has a sign on his office door reading,"Either Way, You Get Your Dog Back!"

   People have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, every time.

   Loving someone who does not love you back is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

   I have a solution for Health care Reform--cut the politicians pay by 7/8, eliminate their health insurance and tell them to deal with it!

   Would like like to thank all the women that lowered their standards and went out with me on a date.

   Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature?  Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...

   Politicians should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.

   If you can't figure out what to get someone for Christmas, get them a gift card! It's like saying, "Here's $20... go get your own damn gift!"

   Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

   My friends over there bet me that I wouldn't talk to the most beautiful woman in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"

   cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire...

   don't write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   "I have to cut down on my friends so I may have to delete some of you". you mean I don't have to read your 'ugh its Monday' or 'blah blah hump day' or 'tgif' posts anymore? Well, let me make a preemptive strike on that.

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   Some women talk way too much. Sometimes I wish they can run out of minutes like cell phones. Her - "Let me tell you something else..." You - "Haha, You can only talk on nights and weekends now!"

   Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"