Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."

   Just remember people...the sober one ALWAYS remembers everything :)

   You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least Crappy option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden.

   I love how bouillon cubes come in bright shiney yellow (chicken flavored) and red (Beef flavored) packages, I am set for halloween trickery.

   New Kids on the Block teaming up with Backsteet Boys? Um, I'll take crappy singing groups that were relevant 20 years ago Alex.

   When you are feeling down because everyone is against you just remember that....Nationwide is on your side.

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   While driving saw a woman smoking in her Prius...obviously she doesn't see the irony!

   The thing about unreliable people is that they are very consistent at what they do.

   Star Wars: A very long time ago but somehow still in the future

   wishes he could start everyday running through a paper wall into the kitchen with the gladiators theme tune playing full blast.

   Woke up and found Facebook sucks even more today then it did yesterday. Good Job !

   just took an inventory of my body and it seems to be overstocked in all the wrong places

   I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   What did one Blackberry user say to the other? Nothing!

   Thinking about getting a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my farmer tan that reads "I work"

   Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.

   Breaking News: Nancy Grace calls in sick for work...