Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know people who say they don't want to be on Facebook because they don't want to read what people are having for lunch? Screw them, I'm eating a sandwich.

   No, really, I'm laughing with you. Well, I will once I can find the time to stop laughing at you.

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

   Going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions...

   By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.

   will resist peer pressure. All the cool kids are doing it...

   What other people think of you is none of your business.

   - Rachael Ray and The Kardashians on the same TV show? Hotter when the "mute" button on your remote control works.

   The only perfect science is hindsight.

   It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

   One life to live cancelled and Osama finally comes out of his cave. Coincidence?

   You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.

   I heard you, I only said "Huh?" to buy myself time to make sure I answer your question correctly.

   How do all these "as a busy mom" moms get time to record commercials?

   In elementary school, it was a crime to give homework on Fridays.

   wondering if Linus will spend all night in the pumpkin patch again this year.

   Well they put enough sand on the roads to where even if it doesn't snow it will still be a change of scenery and look like a beach .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day!

   Every month you push your kid in a stroller after they can walk is another year they'll live in your house after they turn 18.

   Hate watching Katt Williams on Comedy Central. All you hear is, "I *bleep* that *bleep* so hard that *bleep* got *bleep* up *bleep bleep bleepity bleep blap*." Just shouldn't play Katt on a censored station.