Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

   If you're always concern about the opinion people have about you. You'll never be happy.

   It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.

   How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom

   According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?

   I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport

   They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

   All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.

   I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.

   People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

   I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.

   Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.