Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 102 of 6384
We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
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05-20-2018 23:09
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Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.
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06-20-2018 08:17
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Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.
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07-08-2018 09:34
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A massage is just professional petting for humans.
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07-18-2018 07:19
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Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
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07-18-2018 07:21
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All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
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07-18-2018 07:25
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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07-27-2018 12:13
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Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...
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07-29-2018 18:14
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Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!
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07-30-2018 09:39
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*Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."
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07-31-2018 22:08
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Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.
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08-23-2018 00:28
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Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
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11-01-2018 06:31
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A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.
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10-11-2019 15:59
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Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
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10-13-2019 17:28
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...
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10-15-2019 00:58 by MrSharp
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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10-15-2019 04:11
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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10-16-2019 07:21
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.
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10-29-2019 09:32
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Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.
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10-30-2019 09:05
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct
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11-04-2019 04:37
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