Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

   My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.