Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   If I'm ever the defendant in a murder trial, I hope Forest Whitaker is the only eye witness.

   My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate

   After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.

   Hey John Mayer sorry you recently went through a breakup. Here, listen to this John Mayer song to help get you through it.

   Why don't you slip into something nice like a ______________

   Guitar Center is like Wal-Mart, but for musicians

   throwing steak on the walls, hoping to create a unique world map.

   Substituting coffee for sleep is like substituting deodorant for a shower.

   feels all warm and fuzzy inside. Like I've swallowed a kitten.

   That depressing moment when you're bored of every song on your phone.

   tired of being called a liar? tired of having to keep your thoughts locked deeply inside your mind in order to protect the feelings of others? Want to perform dance moves? Want to show the world the real you? . . No fear Everclear is here!

   Mark Zuckerburg's Facebook fortune dropped to a new low of 10.2 Billion today....How is he ever going to survive??

   You can tell we're in a depression and poor cuz everyone's Verizon ringtone is that d@mn Mozart classical song.....

   Coffee is like an engine starter; you might be powerful, but even a jet engine needs a starter.

   Throwing ice at people because they need to chill...

   Girl sneezes. I said 'bless you'. Hope that is a clear enough signal I'd like to take her out.

   You say premature ejaculation. I sa

   Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.

   The thought of a Fiscal year doesn't worry me all that much but a Fisting Year........now that's a different story.