Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Takeshi's castle is coming back to your screens live from Japan

   Great another "stand your ground" case ut of Florida....... We all know if you wanna kill someone go to Florida and do it!

   As an Atheist, When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   "Tom Clancy - Dead at 66". I've not read that one, do hope it's as good as his other books

   Tim Tebow is fired the same day a NBA player announces he's gay. Cinco de Mayo must be coming up

   Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?

   I don't always drink and drive, but when I do, I make sure the kids are strapped safely in their car seats. That's called responsible parenting ツ

   X What does a Jets fan do when his team wins the Super Bowl? He turns off Madden and gets back in bed with his sister.

   *An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónson? There's no easy way to say this..... Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

   "the center of attention, even when he's up against the wall"

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Hillary too..

   My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.

   You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

   Its makes me young again when I jack off with baby lotion..lol

   why do some people say Math instead of Maths? ,, its Mathematics not Mathematic..

   Someone asked me for my mobile number today, l don't know, I never call myself

   Word of the day---FOCUS (fu@k off cuz ur stupid)

   Why is Germany sitting out the no-fly Zone? Uh, history of losing in N. Africa?

   ..is stealing everyone's watches and changing all the clocks at work. "What? 5 o'clock already? See ya!".

   *Breaking news*...Tiger woods has crashed his Cadillac into another tree at the dogleg right on his way to the news conference. In a show of bravery during Black History Month, O.J. has picked him up in a White Ford Bronco.