Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice,I'm made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?

   If you find a kitten & it licks your face, it's your new kitten. I know this because that's how I met my wife.

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   So, that's $27 million for ALS research? Feels great!!

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise!!

   Justin Bieber Hospitalized for Limp Wrist Injury

   I'm all about three things, fast cars and bad counting.

   I didn't expect the friendzone to be so comfy.

   You can tell it's fall. I look like I'm searching for landmines when I'm looking for dog crap in my back yard under the leaves.......but alas, I found one with my shoe!!!!

   I maybe heaven sent but I can also bring hell

   Eggnog!.. The only b*tch I'm excited to hear back from after 9 months of absence."

   Beware the "filters on every selfie" woman.

   Have you ever wondered how long it would take for a giraffe to throw up?

   Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.

   Facebook went from the Cartoon network to the New Zoo review

   "That's not what I said. What I said was, if you like your spam, you can eat your spam. Period."

   I love following women who write inspirational tweets because, you know...chubby girls.

   You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

   Leonardo DiCaprio just won another Golden Globe award. But it ain't no Oscar.