Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I pickup laborers from Home Depot, but they always seem to run away when I get to the immigration dept. Go figure.

   hates it when you go down to get a midnight snack and get excited to find some treasure in the fridge, only to have your hopes and dreams dashed by the treasure being so far past it's expiration date that only Ashton Kutcher would be interested...

   we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

   Happy wife.. Happy life!

   going to get some of that Saturday night beaver.

   Dislikes the "Green Earth" Placards in the hotel bathroom,,,,Hang up your towel, save the earth from extinction.....leave the towel on the floor.....a Panda dies!

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   Its easier to prove that god does not exist than it is to prove that he does exist.

   I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.

   Can someone let Zanesville, OH know they still have 1 wild animal on the loose!! I think they call him Barack Obama........

   Trying To Conquer The World

   So what happened this morning, did Jesus see his shadow or not?

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told the class to sit Indian style. So I grabbed a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in gutter

   Dear girls who apply for a job at hooters. Do they hand you a bra and say fill this out?

   : Let's do away with the electoral vote. And go by the actual voter's vote count to determine the winner of an election.

   Reverse cowgirl or as I like to call it: Damn woman, you forgot to wipe!

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

   I schedule my appointments for 9:11 so I never forget.

   My Week day → Morning: (~_~) Middle of the day: -__- Home: \(*~*)/

   I don't look outside windows at night because I'm scared of seeing a face.