Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funniest thing I heard at lunch break today. The guy beside me says "Huh" I asked "What's up?" Pointing to the lid of his sugar-free apple sauce he says, "Sweetend with Splenda...that would explain the anal leakage."

   calling the Secretary of State to notify them he will no longer be carrying an ID; People should know who he is!

   Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

   My MIL takes the F out of MILF.

   When you say, “Jump!” I say, “Under which bus?”

   I don't care if it's rude to stare, you are hot, so I will stare.

   Usually chocolate makes me hyper but my dog ate a pack of Snickers and he’s been asleep for hours. Haha wake up so we can play, little guy.

   Look on the bright side, the cowboys will be the first NFL team to get Ebola

   I tried to help a friend get a job but his email is p@ssyeater203. @.....

   *walks in dressed as Jesus* Wife: OH, MY GOD *takes off beard* “No, it’s just me”

   Again with these egomaniacs, america is the entire continent, not just a country you morons, now get back on your overworked, underpaid never ending rat race to bring up the downjones so just 1% of the population gets wealthy while FOX says the opposite

   What did God say when he caught Eve swimming in the river?...I ain't never gonna get the smell out of them fish!

   Native American strippers have an unfair advantage. They can make it rain every time they dance.

   Wife wanted to see my posts... We laughed and laughed... I made a run for it, and I got 2 blocks... Running is hard.

   Columbus was in Puerto Rico in the 15th century. Pocahontas was 17th century Virginia. FAIL!

   At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retåřded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.

   I was playing Chess today. I beat my wife. Then I went back to playing chess.

   my kid said I can't wait until the Easter Bunny comes so I can eat it. I said if you eat the Easter Bunny she might come faster.

   To the Fast and Furious franchise has started production of their latest movie. It is tenatively called Tokyo Adrift.

   Why didn't Tigger have any friends?....Becaue he played with Pooh....