Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking, can you?

   Enough of the end of the world posts! Smh

   Dear Santa, Please define good.

   I Met A Good Friend Through A Fake Friend

   Today's date officially marks the twelfth day of Christmas....So, except for the Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids-a-Milking and the Five Golden Rings...it's all going back to Wal Mart. Especially that squawking, annoying, Partridge in a Pear Tree.

   Fast forward to the drive-thru one...

   Being Black At Disney Land... Mickeys been following me around the whole park. Relax, I'm not going to steal your happiness, Mouse.

   Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it. :p

   My bad. My teenage daughter unplugged the lights to plug in her phone charger...

   Only God can judge me.....tell it to the judge

   I wish I was as carefree as my Step Son's, picking their noses and then tapping away on MY keyboard!!!!

   Americans are fast-asleep right now. Let peace reign

   Damn, it's so hot outside, my flip flops melted into my feet and now i'm stuck in my driveway.

   Prince Fielder must be jealous of the Royal baby hype beings he's the Prince of Detroit.

   I'm actually a nice guy once you get to kill me.

   Went fishing before the strip club, first time I've smelled like fish before the club...

   Does anyone want to be my friend? Asking for a friend.

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

   That pervert watched me and my girlfriend have sex! Man I hate Spiders!