Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   At the 2010 Winter Olympics, I brought home the gold for smushing down the garbage so I don't have to bring it outside.

   I've only been in this city 2 nights and already there are 4 bars I can never go back to

   Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.

   What happens when you eat pizza everyday for every meal? Asking for a ninja turtle.

   There is a thin line between girlfriend allowance and a prostitute's fee. Jokes.

   keep your friends close, your shotgun closer.

   Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.

   I think women should be put on the front lines of any military assault force once a month. PMS+ gun = unstoppable.

   Coffee is that one friend who believes in you and always wants you to succeed.

   Why you miserable cork-soaker!

   Single Awareness Day....this is going to be a S.A.D. day

   The only thing this world cup is missing is the vuvuzella! Said no one ever

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.

   Facebook in 2014 is a few people screaming from a mostly empty stage who don't realize that everyone in the audience has gone home.

   every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps

   Expensive jeans will NOT hide an expansive backside.

   I WAS ASKED to judge a "wet t-shirt" competition last night. Not a cake job, they were all equally wet.