Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And on the second day of the flood, Moses wrote : Captains Log ; Unicorn stew is the Best food ever !

   Love when I take the time to type out a long text message to a friend and they reply with "K"

   I will never have abs. Because I love eating keb abs

   I don't wanna say my ex thinks her sh*t doesn't stink, but she sent a couple of her turds to Febreze suggesting they make an air freshener out of them.

   *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*

   I'm a bird watcher. But when I go bird watching it seem to makes the men unconfortable in the men room

   When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease

   I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.

   I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping

   Which Knee? the left knee? the right knee?...the weenie?

   Lasik surgery is at least $500 to just fix an eye....on wheel of fortune I can buy the I for half that price

   Xbox has been my girlfriend for awhile, I think it's time we see other people...

   Could schizophrenia be just a permanent high burnt in the brain from smoking too much? So permanent high?

   My new girlfriend takes my breath away...she's insatiable and inflatable....then, sadly, I poked her.

   Behind every great woman is a great behind.

   So apparently your girlfriend isn't supposed to have an Adams apple. Guess that's why she only wanted an@l.

   Oh, how I love being awake at stupid o'clock

   Underestimate my crazy to activate my crazy.

   There is a thick line between ok sex and awesome sex.

   Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.