Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I just had dead pig and unborn chickens for breakfast! 
Dear Chocolate Covered Blueberries, Seriously where have you been all my life? I can see why your big sister Chocolate Covered Cherries has kept you secret all these years. Wow.
What's worse than Greese on Oliva Newton John? Come on Eileen.
Superman dies and Ben Affleck sucks as Batman
Bowe Bergdahl’s father looks like that Duck Dynasty guy.
*looks at packaging for Pillsbury Choc Chip Cookies... "May contain raw eggs"... *Rocky theme plays as I squeeze entire tube down my throat
I hope Micheal Sam wins an ESPY for breakout female athlete of the year
I better get some sleep. These spiders aren’t going to eat themselves.
thinks she is FIT! And yes, she is definitely unpretentious!
late but I am the latest
better than normal. i'm abnormal
My heart is on life support and I'm seriously thinking about pulling the plug and collecting the insurance money!
pretty proud of being able to give up Lent for Lent. Didn't think I could make it but with perserverence, I overcame the urges.
So my mom just got her citizenship and she wants to change her name to Bunny!!? WTF. I'm dreading the day when I have to introduce her to my fiance. Mom seriously just keep your 10 letter hard to prounounce Asian name!
wondering why men cheat on the wifey type for a hoe and when they get the hoe they want the wifey type back
What's love got to do with it.....all I said is I wanted to have sex ;)
My girlfriend just said she was leaving me because of my gross habits and childlike behavor.It shocked me so much that I almost choked on my toenail, which would have surely given up my position in the hide-and-go-seek game I was in with my imaginary frnd
Well I don't like you, and you don't like me. Oh you like me? Okay then I don't like you, and you like me.
Feeling a little horny today. I think my check-engine light is ON.
He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things. 