Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   only in Texas, this time of the year, does the weather change so drastically that you are put in a situation where the downstairs a/c makes the upstairs heater come on...

   The saxophone still hasn't been brought to justice for everything it did in the 1980s.

   Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.

   Ask the married guys is it worth the fn youve gotten for the fn your getting

   I really enjoy that new real-life TV show about the guy who spends his whole day surfing the internet at work while trying to look busy in front of his boss. Oh wait, that's just my average day.

   's age is very inconsistent, I wouldn't be surprised if it changed again next year.

   When the infidels came and put him down, MuhamedBob turned into a clown, now no afterlife virgin will want to dance with the fool who went and, burned his pants

   just read a sign on the highway that says "Observe Warning signs! State Law". if you don't observe warning signs, you wont see it. Just curious....WHAT IS THE POINT!?!

   amazed by the fact how some symphonies can pull the string of hearts and takes one to totally different environment within seconds and making mood swings followed by lacs of chemical changes occuring in the brain

   loves how Christmas movies capture the holidays in a way everyone typically experiences. In two hours: greedy men become charitable; enemies settle their differences; women fall in love with the unattractive nerd; and an angel get its wings.

   The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

   my ship finally sailed in, but I was standing at the train station :/

   Shocked Justin Bieber did not win a BET award.....don't worry Justin neither did Hanson, Nelson, or Hasseloff.

   ive taken my adarall and my xanax... I hear you but really dont care what your saying

   I'm having a healthy and nutritious Meal, and I'm washing it down with a healthy and nutritious BEER. This health food stuff is not as bad as I thought after all.

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Thanking God the whole Justin Bieber writing an autobiography thing was just a rumor.. That would have been the shortest autobiography ever... All 16 pages of it... 18 if you count the index and contents..

   "Real men actually spend time away from their computers." Yeah... that's because they're avoiding you.

   I said give me head not headache.

   I only wish google could answer things like "what's the name of the lady seated next to me"