Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Home from a long day so please don't call or text me. Gonna combine my favorite things... Yep, I'll be Napping Off.

   Love when people update their Facebook page 20+ times a day. Frickin annoying. We get it you are important!!

   My beard is the welcome mat to my face.

   : The average man can't tell if a woman is about to give him a kiss or a slap in his face.

   He who shoots girlfriend on valentines day deserves an OSCAR award

   Im designing a New perfume for all the girls who forgot to shave, It's called "Forever Alone"......... It smells like a Cruise ship on fire at sea!

   Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything

   I'm fat because of genetics my whole family is fat. NO!! your whole family Is fat because they all eat like hogs.

   I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Praying she doesn't pick me out of this police lineup.

   Doctors report a spike in Harlem Shaken Baby Syndrome....

   Vegas - Where women proudly show off their legs. San Francisco - Where men do the same.

   Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I'm playing the Titanic drinking game. Every time you see someone dead you have a shot of vodka!

   The biggest obstacle bi-racial, Kentucky couples face is agreeing on which liquor name to give their daughter.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife

   Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.

   Dear Friends & Foes: I hate it when you greet or holla at me on my funny and witty status update. Stop raining on my parade. That's what the inbox is for.

   that a drumstick in my pocket or am I just glad to see you it's a drumstick I have an eating problem oh God there's gravy in there too.

   The Secret life of the American teenager is less realistic than star wars. No father and daughter talk about sex that casually. "Hey amy, are you going to have sex with Ricky tonight?" "Well we're both emotionally & physically ready, so yeah." "okay, cool