Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere, Somehow a guy is with his "girlfriend" spending his payday money, but last weekend she couldn't be with him bcoz she told him she was "sick" or something

   Trust me sir across from me at the gym. If I were interested, you would have "accidentally" seen my butthole by now.

   "What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"

   If I had a dollar for every time my world was rocked... Hey can I borrow 5 bucks?

   Too bad you couldn’t leave your ugliness in 2014.

   Colts player busted for Rape charge....thats it, no joke

   Patriots better deflate that frigging ball or they are going to be in trouble.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   So when the cable company calls you a C word, B word or AH you get free services? Call me an SOB and sign me up!!

   What do normal people do with their time?

   My dog drinks from the toilet. You might say he has a potty mouth.

   "iPhone" is a really terrible name considering how much I use it as a phone. That would be like calling my bed iSex.

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year, so I get it half marathon runners.

   Liking on Facebook is definitely an addiction for some

   Sorry fro all teh typos. Whne it comse to texting, I'm all thumbs.

   "rages against the machine" but it's usually a fax machine or printer.

   ...the good news: the Rangers are going to the Finals!! the bad news: wrong Rangers :(

   misses the days of Mystery Google.

   why have rifles, bombs and guns when you can have the good oul fashioned snowball

   "My teacher says I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I just kept my finger out of there."- Ralph Wiggum