Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just went by Lowes to see if they had any grass......That had a whole different meaning when I was 20....just sayin'

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it… bed.

   I dont know whether to cut my veins or let them grow...

   Change is the necessary ingredient for all advancement, and yet it is something that very few can accept without a fight..! (",)

   wonders if homeless people go trick or treating dressed as bums

   In need of someone to go down and perform routine maintenance. Apply within.

   Hey Jack In The Crack...I ordered an Ulitimate Burger not an Ultimate Mustard!

   Why do you have to go so slowly over a "speed" bump?

   I like girls that smoke weed. You could say I have high standards.

   I get bored very easily. Stepping to the plate with me is challenging, I need someone who can please me mentally and physically.

   Funny how they call it common sense when it seems so rare.

   Ex-lover is short for Expired Lover.

   Some people are so strange. If you've seen a posted joke before... don't comment, just ignore it and move on.

   You don't have to like me, because I'm gonna force you to eventually.

   Words to live by: Never leave a cake out in the rain. It took so long to bake it, and you may never have that recipe again,

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz.

   Looks can be deceiving, so just turn around and I'll judge you by you booty

   Once you go Facebook - You never go back.

   Nothing personal, but if you're wearing one of those new plastic & velcro boot/cast things, stay the f*** away from me.

   When people walk away I check to make sure my phone is still there.