Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leave Me Alone! I Am Not Being Rude, It's Just That You Are Insignificant

   Up-Up, Down-Down, Left-Right, Left-Right, B-A, START.

   thinking the perfect holiday date for me this year has WELL HUNG stockings, a mistletoe belt buckle, nice christmas balls and NUMBA 1 SPOT on the naughty list.

   doesn't matter... golf is still boring.

   knows that when Jack Bauer rips a lamp off the wall, it's time to guard your nipples.

   We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

   ıɟ ʎon ɔɐu ɹǝɐp ʇɥıs ʎon ɯnsʇ qǝ ɐs qoɹǝp ɐs ı ɐɯ˙

   you should never brag on your spouse because as soon as you do, next thing you know they're f-ing a tattooed nazi

   Birdie Birdie in the sky did a poopie in my eye. I dont swear I dont cry I'm just glad that cows dont fly

   When I go to the deli counter at the supermarket, I just ask for ham. They have way too many options there, and I really don't care what kind I get. I just want some damn ham. I'm completely hambiguous.

   The 49ers have 56 active players... here they are in no particular order Kevin Boss Shaun Hill and Josh Morgan 53 more to go right here on NBC

   On the radio they are talking about weird names for gas stations! Would you rather get your stuff from the Kum n Go, Park and Blow, or the Pump n Pak lol?

   Lindsay Lohan has taken to writing on her nails which can mean only one thing. She's hopeing to be Sarah Palin's running mate.

   WOMAM: OMG! Baby I'm pregnant!! What would you want it to be?? MAN: a god damn joke!

   Why do women like men who are smart, goal oriented and have a sense of humor?? Because opposites attract!!

   i played "draw something" in my early 20's way before it was an app. we called it "what shape should we cut this line of cocaine into?"

   Who says I can`t cook? You obviously haven`t tasted my cereal !

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.

   When you "ASSUME" you make an "ass" out of "u" and Melissa Etheridge

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...