Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm having one of those "can't get my inflatable Santa-in-a-helicopter to stick to the roof of my inflatable manger" mornings.

   I think it's about time we start requiring people to show us their bank account statements first before we can call them celebrities. Too many broke a$$ folks trying to pass themselves off as important and deserving of the celebrity status.

   I hate it when I get into an argument with my mom and then later I here her talking about it on the phone and I'm just sitting there like.....no that's not how it happened. -__-

   On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me: 12 Boy's I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvveeee DRAMA Queeeennnss; 4 game requests, 3 photo tags,

   we spend the money we don't have, to buy the things we don't need, to impress the people we don't like.

   Saab filing for bankruptcy? Such a Saab story.

   Life is like a carpet. Family and friends will always walk over you, and when you get dirty, the ones that clean you up.....are the people that truly care for you.

   I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

   It has been a bad week for Elephants !!

   If we're side by side in bed and I can't keep my eyes off you, it means I'm really in love, or I'm gonna' slit your throat while you sleep.

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - Friday.

   Would a novel about an ethnically diverse community of slightly more than 4 dozen people devoted to alternative sexual lifestyles be titled "50 Shades of Gay?"

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.

   Call me lazy… but if it takes four clicks, I'm not reading it!!!!!

   Today, I realised that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.

   I wanna be the reason you lose sleep at night, call in "sick" to work the next day, and then question your morals for the rest of your life.

   I’m using Internet explorer. I need some help from you guys good with computers. How does one send a smoke signal using this thing?

   black jesus is here, time for change! ~ south africans

   Andy Murray looks like a stuck up douchebag.

   A-Roid sure is ballsy for a guy without balls...