Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   Hello Hello Hello Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?....Oh wait I forgot everyone's home, never nevermind.

   Last night was amazing out dancing and singing with all my friends together celebrating the end of the Coronavirus!....until our garbage truck outside woke me up :/

   I see the new iPhone 11 is coming out and if you'd like a sneak preview of it just take a look at your iPhone 10 and pretended it cost $750 less.

   We used to hang lace panties on our rear view mirrors, now it's face masks. Men what have we become :P

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Prefer to do socially distance exchange and will place in front of house for you pickup. Leave money in neighbor's mailbox.

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   How is Peter Parker selling pictures of himself dressed as Spider-Man any different from onlyfans

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...