Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.

   If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table.

   If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."

   Have you ever noticed that lOl looks like a man drowning?

   What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

   For Sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Cheap. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I hate it when I eat my last bite, not realizing it’s the last bite, then immediately get sad because I wasn’t able to mentally prepare.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web was connected by a string, and two cups.

   It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

   It's hard to believe we made it to the top of the food chain given half our limbs are nearly useless...

   Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

   I was a whisker away from winning 'Beard of the Year' recently.

   My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

   I just got gas for $1.99! And no it wasn't at Taco Bell.

   Nothing hotter than a bow-legged woman in spandex.

   Should the person who invented Swiss cheese be referred to as “Your Holiness”?

   you've never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

   I think it's amazing that the average person can now be launched into space on a rocket ship, I mean the average person with 20 million dollars to blow.

   My computer jsut asked me to check my virus protection, which one ?

   Walmart just announced that they'll be hiring a hundred thousand new workers and now with any luck maybe they'll open at least more then 2 of their 27 registers.