Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife when she turned forty I was going to trade her in for 2 20's. She told me I was not wired for 220!!!!

   You'd think bringing sexy back would be hard work but all I had to so was wake up and get outta bed....

   After Watching a scary movie.:IT'S OKAY I DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP TONIGHT ANYWAY.

   forecast for tonight? Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.

   If the happy in love couples are called "love birds" the miserable fighting couples should be called "angry birds"

   Found out my american indian name is "running sqiurrel touching it twice"

   D.N.A actually stands for National Dyslexic Association

   Thank goodness Jon Bon Jovi is alive after all, Nickleback would be nothing without him.

   I'm glad the whole planking phase is over. Now I can go back to napping on the sidewalk without worrying a picture will show up on Facebook.

   Has 99 problems. All bittches.

   Having a dog as a friend better than having a friend as a dog ....

   Mayweather is a Legend. Its just a shame he practices on his girlfriend and kids.

   Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.

   Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a sh!t.

   To poke or not to poke. That is the question.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again

   excuse me......Is that a spray on tan or did you roll in a bag of doritos???????????????????

   How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

   I amNOT a ride OR die chick. I have questions. Like where are we riding to? And why I gotta die? Cant I just be your stay at home and take care of the kids chick?

   Stan: Cartman did you just say the F word?. Cartman: you mean J ew?