Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I burn 95% of my calories removing gray and unwanted hairs from my head, face, ears and nose and the other 5% flipping people off while I'm driving......

   Life's too short to go to bed early

   My home is in hell and I am home right now.

   It's like my date doesn't even care about some of the core problems that faced the software development industry in the mid 90's

   Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.

   If I owned a book store, I'd rename the Romance section "Fantasy", because common ladies....

   [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   Just enrolled in college to be divorce lawyer and become a millionaire since gay marriage is now legal

   Sorry I took a little long to decide however it's better late than never..As of today I am also breaking up all my business relationships with ‪#‎Trump‬

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   The only thing that gets turned on when I get naked is the shower.

   This fish is so raw it's starting to swim in my soup.

   If Cocoa Beach isn't made of hot chocolate, I don't wanna hear about it.

   "And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"

   I get turned on when women use the voice they use to talk to dogs ...

   It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it "Indecent Exposure" but whatever.....

   I don't know what it is But it's on sale!

   The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer