Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's dangerous and eats nuts? Syphilis.

   Too many girls put me in the friends zone, I've got to take myself out. Its not going to be a safe haven to long. "The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die."

   The extra muscles it takes to smile after losing an Oscar is such a workout it keeps the actors thin for the whole next year!

   Florida's Zombie, Florida's Zimmerman, Florida's Laws, and Florida's Heat Team....sounds like Floridans are leading the chart in the Funny

   Chances are you're doing something right now that would make me hate you. Like breathing or talking or existing anywhere near me.

   Wondering if the English Prime Minister supports the "No Child Left Behind" movement lol

   that risky towel walk you have to do from the shower to the bedroom

   Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

   Dugout: where baseball players relax between innings Doug-out: where Doug feels comfortable telling others about his sexuality

   Just because ur wearing a metal mulisha shirt and ur tatted up doesn't make you a gangster... It means your trying to hard to fit in

   I wish I could enable cookies in my tummy's browser.

   A Smart Car would be good on gas, but I'd feel silly wearing it.

   Texting 101: (Oh) = stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f**k you. (Fine) = f**k it. (I guess) = I don't give AF.

   Dont you hate when ppl call you on house phone and ask where you @ and hold you hostage on the phone

   Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Balls. You got that? - Tony Montana

   Dear fad following teenage girls, could one of you at least clean the mirror before taking your photo, and we'd like to thank you all for showing us 1 disgusting bathroom after another. Love, the world.

   Can we start counting magazines as books. I'll sound so much smarter.

   middle east tensions? not worried here I survived the 80's....red dawn russian invasion,stray cats rocking towns inside out,and the Gap Band dropped a bomb on me!!!

   mama gettin a lil out of control with this mothers day thing , she want me to rub her feet.

   I am not mean, I am blunt. Which means I will tell you the clear difference between a bit naive, and INCREDIBLY STUPID!