Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to sanitary reasons, we will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras.

   told my girl her breath smells like al sharptons car seat ....couch tonight....(db)

   There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….

   You dont need superpowers to read my mind all you need is a facebook Or Twitter..Lol

   just smacked someone with a book in the face. When they started getting angry, I just told them that I Facebooked 'em.

   Dear Weather Channel, the mancrush you have on Jim Cantore and his lame storm stories is getting ridiculous...Can I just see my local forecast please?!

   Dear attractive teenage grocery checkout girl, please don't judge me for buying 3 cucumbers, 1 light bulb, a jar of jelly and 2 tubes of KY.

   Charlie Sheen's stand-up material is so bad that CBS wants him back as an actor AND writer on Two & A Half Men

   What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

   Quick...I am a nervous wreck, hand me a brush and let me paint a Bob Ross Happy Tree!!

   Succubus (noun): is a female demon which comes to men, especially bachelors, in their dreams to seduce them and have sexual intercourse with them, drawing energy from the men to sustain itself, often until the point of exhaustion or death. This legend was

   Certain things which are crucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day when that activity is planned, at which point the thing in question will disappear from the face of the earth.

   Whenever I walk into my local coffee shop, I like to pretend I'm an outlaw walking into an old west saloon. They love it!

   Found your nose again...it was in my business! Watched your wedding video backwards again...my favorite part it where he takes off the ring and leaves the church!

   I know I am not getting any action when my wife comes to bed wearing skinny jeans. Thats her code for you piss me off so you not getting any tonight.

   When your last name is Weiner, don't get caught doing things with your weiner.

   FEMALE SHOP assistants. When a car mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

   Cop: Sir, did you know that one of your tail lights is burned out? Me: Well......I certainly wouldn't be driving drunk in front of a cop, now would I?! I'll get that fixed right away.......Thanks

   Are you bored and broke? Do you have 40 spare hours to fill every week ? Would you like to earn thousands of dollars a month? Then get a job like the rest of us you bumb.

   For one whom claims they don't watch CNN, they seem to know alot about what's being said on their shows.