Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice the Pope's hat looks just like an upside down McDonald's Biggie Fries box?

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex..... Now birds keep crashing into my armpits

   Did you know the salt in the ocean is from all the misunderstood sharks, crying, because they just want to cuddle!

   wow danica patrick just got a rubber in the rear end in vegas on tv!

   Nothing says ''I'm a fat a$$ like wearing a T-shirt in the pool!

   WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!

   If you can't be there for her tears, then don't expect to be around when other parts of her start gushing either...

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe broccoli doesn't like *you* either?

   I parked in a disabled bay in tesco this morning, a bloke shouted "oi what's your disability" I said "tourettes ya c*nt, now feck off":-)

   I coulda sworn Kobe came out of the closet years ago.

   GUILTY: Because you can't abort justice.

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   Call me old fashioned, but on some nights there's nothing quite like curling up next to my kindle fire with a good eBook.

   twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)

   If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. Yeah that'll teach 'em to not mess with you.

   The other day I was trying to think of Cris Brown's biggest hit....That's when I realized it was Rihanna!

   If I can give some advice to the gentleman, you can say you love her but actions speak louder than words. Females have had guys talk and talk, and the actions dont match up. If you wanna prove you are not like the rest, act like it. Dont just say it.

   The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.

   I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.