Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget about walking the talk and talking the walk; it's time to drink the drink.

   My Christmas card this year is going to be a photo of a me in a recliner drinking a beer while watching football. It will say "Happy Holidays from a single guy."

   11:11 I wish- 11:12 OMG I wasn't finished!

   I understand why they call that speech software "Dragon", because their 2 hour commercials Drag-on.

   I will only beg for bacon... nothing else

   since Norman Joseph Woodlawn is dead, I wonder if they're going to put a bar code on his casket

   Well, if you had to grow up with bad food, bad teeth, bad music, and a Euro-Economy....life really is not worth living for.....is it?

   A Woman's Football League would only be interesting to me if its raining and the uniform are white.

   The only thing worse than trying to lose at badminton is trying at badminton.

   There is nothing more awkward then when you take the last open urinal, then everyone else finishes up and leaves except you and the person next to you.

   I've paid for my sins. Now give me my change!

   Do video games cause violence? Why don't you ask these teens kicking all the animals at the petting zoo hoping they burst into coins.

   You ever get that feeling the case of beer is gonna rip and cans go everywhere? Well that just happened to me..

   I walked on to the bar patio and these two hot women started applauding me! or maybe they were just packing their cigarettes?? Naa I'm going with applause Either way it totally made my night!! rj

   I tried................... But I can't watch even 5 minutes of "Meet The Depressed" or "This Bleak with George Stephanopoulos".....

   Ever seen a chick so fine you swear that she must be a retard coz it wouldnt be fair for her to be that fine AND smart too?

   Just because you're perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect; you might be hopelessly unhappy with yourself.

   I hate it when me and my subconscious is having a heated debate...and just when I come up with good comebacks, it thinks up a even better one! I thought about drinking on Friday, subconscious said "how about now!".... good one!

   The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo

   show me the benefits part and THEN i'll let you know if we can be friends