Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I don't always get a taste of my own medicine but when I do I wash it down with tequila, hold the lime 
It looks like One Direction is headed in another direction
Yesterday we had Earth Hour as a reminder that we all need to take better care of Earth. I would also like to encourage you all to take better care of uranus.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes; and then judge them.
Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.
If you love someone, keep drinking
thinks all.strippers must have the same nick name: Daddy Issues
whatever it is you’re going through, however bad or sad. just know everything is about to be okay because game of thrones is back tonight.
I'm a participation trophy wife.
Welcome to Celebrity Impersonators Club. Please have a seat. There's plenty of Chers.
Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away.
Relationship Status: Trying to get my cat to cooperate so I can make a Vine.
"Oh, this old thing?" - my cat showing me his butt hole..
Obama did not get Osama, the CIA and NavySeals did. That's all you got? FAIL!
Mayweather Wasn't Hugged as a Child. Since Daddy Went To Prison. That's Why Guys..
Thinks the only difference between my job and the Titanic is the Titanic at least had a band!!
automatic doors make me feel like a jedi
why don't dentist offer 50 percent discounts to meth heads just to gum up business
as many times as I've been called "that mother f*cker" in my life, I better be getting a Mother's Day card and gift too.
A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion but won't 