Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian's marriage was shorter than a midgets tie

   Its much easier to to turn a friendship into love.. then love into a friendship.

   I miss 1999. Ya know, when we all used to do it for the Nookie...

   I told the monster in my closet that if he came out of the closet he would be gay. Problem solved! #Winning

   A wise old man once said nothing....bet a woman can't do that!!

   The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.

   Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell.

   Metta World Peace, a.k.a. Ron Artest, just wished everyone a Happy Labor Day on Twitter...........................

   "Chickpeas? Chick, please! Check please!" - guy who hates garbanzo beans complaining to waitress about how she brought him garbanzo beans

   What if Deja Vu means you lost a life and started at the last checkpoint

   Free advice: Never attempt to shave a beaver when its got a hold of your log.

   An Irishman walks out of a bar. ...

   I'm sorry your grandma is in a coma but in my defense, she REALLY sucks at dodge ball.

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   This just in: iOS 8.0.2 comes with a new toggle switch to straighten out your bent iPhone 6 Plus.

   The truth is anyone who thinks we're still having global warming should look at what is happening in Egypt and realize that they're in DE-NILE. (Sorry I couldn't resist)

   I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door

   Fri(end) Girlfri(end) Boyfri(end) Br(forever)o

   My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.

   I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people