Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive Facebook pokers.

   Why cant men and women get along? Because gentlemen and ladies became overrated and parents stopped teaching their kids manners therefore women r so needy and men r demanding.

   You would think NBA players would get better chairs to sit in during the game.

   Dear Bin Laden, I guess you are no longer the champ of Hide-n-seek! you lose MOFO! you lose! -- I WIN! Sincerely, Waldo

   Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch

   Easiest way out of Jury duty, after the States Attorney tells you he/she has no more questions, thank them for their time, fist pump them and say “ May the force be with you”

   Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants.

   I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

   Diet Coke has taken the number two soft drink sales spot from Pepsi, with Classic Coke number one. Diet Coke is seen as an alternative for people who like the taste, like the option for fewer calories, and want to keep their teeth a few more years.

   bought a adult size Superman costume, So when the rapture comes he can fly in style!

   Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing Facebook on my phone.

   thank you Blake Lively for taking nude pictures of yourself and having them leaked to the internet, Mila Kunis, please follow!

   On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims....:-)

   You think you know a guy, then you sleep with his girlfriend, and all of a sudden his true colors show

   Remember that your glass is always half full...if not...HEY BARTENDER!!!

   Hey Facebook Friends, what's the best gym to pretend that you go to?

   I wish I could commute to work by roller-coaster....

   If you want to insure you work in the field, bring something that needs to be microwaved for lunch :/

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.

   I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it