Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not trying to be rude, but this lady in front of the line looks like she is mixed with mongoose.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   Apparently the perfect Obamacare plan for a guy like me includes birth control pills, maternity leave, abortions. And transgender operations. In case I want to take advantage of these services...

   Remember these 3 things: If you're a man, never take marital advice from Josh Duggar. Ladies, don't accept drinks from Bill Cosby & couples, don't let Jared Fogle babysit your kids.

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster!

   Look on the bright side, Hillary. Nelson Mandela did get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   the Republican Presidential race sounds as substantial as Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   RIP Uncle Phil (James Avery) you were the Prince of Bel Air!

   Joan Rivers may have been too old to be an organ donor, but be on the lookout for some fresh new faces on your local mannequins.

   25% of women take mood stabilizers, yea , the other 75% are runnin around unmedicated

   DOG DIARY: Today was so much fun! My master and I played fetch! CAT DIARY: Day 972 of captivity.

   Its better to be a good person then to have a good body.

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and damn tagging one another.

   Just to let you know, I'm never gonna let you forget how you believed that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles was running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotted against our country. Seriously, what were you smoking????

   Drink triple, see double, act single ;)

   annoying tip #27:when going on a nature walk with your wife, make sure the shovel fits in the backpack.

   Nurses know Vicks Vapo Rub helps when you hear a minor cough, Robitussin helps when you hear a hoarse cough, and Mucinex helps when you hear a congested cough. Sadly no one knows what will help you when you hear a Fuh Cough.

   If it wasn't for professional wrestling the companies that make metal trash cans would go out of business

   You want to know who's amazing and got that cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :D