Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you there, nothing? It's me, an atheist.

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   We will spend over 700 million dollars to take pictures of another planet when we have Veterans on our own Planet not getting the care that they deserve. This is a MESSED UP WORLD !!!

   Hey Obama, where's the change? I need it to pay for gas!

   looking to the 8 ball for all the answers

   I'd vote for Donald Trump just to watch him tell Obama he's fired... ‪#‎justsaying‬

   "Marijuana is a gateway drug." Yeah, a gateway to fun.

   took the "What color are you?" quiz and the result is: Plaid

   Money doesn't buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in my private jet

   Wait. The US has a soccer team?

   I saw Tom Brady hanging around my car.... Sure enough, I got in, started the car and the low tire pressure light came on.

   If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect -and I don't live to be- but before you start pointing fingers...make sure you hands are clean!

   Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, saying it "runs in your jeans."

   also slept with Tiger Woods.

   when love is in the air I put on my gas mask.

   I want to thank e-Harmony for the free match weekend...they are amazing...found my perfect match, sent the profile, and pic...we are getting together later today...I am so impressed and very curious how they got a picture of my left hand....

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   Went out tonight, saw many women with hot costumes including Sexy Snow White, Naughty Nurse, Hot Cop, Horny Devil, French Maid, etc....but not one Will Leave You Alone During The Football Game and Give You a BJ during Halftime. The search continues...

   Old people tell the best stories.....