Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

   You broke my heart into several pieces. Good! Now I can give it to several girls.

   Chris Isaak may replace Simon on Idol. My vote is for Mel Gibson. How great will it be to hear him call a contestant a “c*nt, b*tch, wh*re?”

   Him: "A wizard is never late, babe. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." Her: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."

   loves Fridays but Friday the 13th is so stressfull. You have to watch out for black cats, don't walk under a ladder, open an umbrella inside and watch out for guys named Jason with machettes.

   Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!

   had the urge to clean today untill I turned on NFL REDZONE. The urge soon passed, I did clean my plate off at lunch time......does that count?????

   welcome to walmart.......get your sh*t and get out

   go to Google and push the play button. You're Welcome:)

   just because everything's different, doesn't mean anything's changed..!!!

   I have a blackbelt in Karate.Its not that iam good at it,its just I never wash it..

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   Ever look at someone and think, "Nice cage, no bird"?

   It's a matter of finger's lickin' where I'm Lovin' It and you can still Have It Your Way ;)

   If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?

   Be who you are, not who others try to make you

   the only one on facebook that don't have a kid, where can I purchase one before fathersday??

   If you call it Starbs one more time I might just totes murds you.

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”