Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Donald is gonna have to learn how to Duck.

   The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.

   Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

   Apparently 2016 is the year every amusement park ride was set to expire and fall apart mid-ride with people on it.

   What U-Haul really means is: U-Cheap. U-Won’t Pay for Movers. U-Bribed Your Friends with Pizza to Help.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?

   hope the next presidential debate starts with a handshake, instead of Trump grabbing Hillary by.........

   OK .... Since the latest Leaks and emails surfacing are proving the facts to be true ..... Perhaps it's time to watch the movie "Clinton Cash" on YooToob to see what kind of person you are really voting for.

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   If your phone is autocorrecting kindergarten to Kardashian, the world is not wrong, it's your search habits.

   If God gave you a good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to give thanks. And if God gave you a not-so-good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to get back at Him.

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?