Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   I won employee of the month!!!.... again! I love being self employed.

   so I'm guessing Ashley is either a girl that dumped your pathetic ass or a hottie that stole you boyfriend? You're a loser either way..

   North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying 'we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style"

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   A kid came to my door dressed as Tony Romo. I asked him why he had no candy in his bag. He said he used to but he turned it over.

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   Ladies….there is a difference between fake tanning and changing your entire ethnicity during the winter months.

   I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching 'Night at the Roxbury.' "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

   If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.

   The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time