Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...

   Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.

   Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?

   If that dress isn't Gold and White I'm not living

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know it was a bad idea to set the free.

   If I never get crushed by a falling piano and walk away looking like a human accordian then life will have been a complete waste.

   A man’s got to know his limitations....... Unless he’s in a relationship,, then he’ll be constantly reminded.

   If your favorite color eyes is bloodshot, I'm your guy.

   A friend in need is a friend in NOPE

   Yes, autocorrect, of course I intended to type "thou."... That is a perfectly reasonable guess. It is the 1600's after all.

   I'm "talking in your voicemail as if you could hear it like an answering machine" years old.

   Just saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said got dope?

   it never ceases toamqze me. You see someone who is friends with you on FB and they act like they dont even know you. Consider yourself un-friended Eminem.

   You had me at "I'm married but..."

   I hate when I comment on someone’s status and they totally misinterpret my comment and I have to explain myself.

   It's all fun and games until someone breaks out the portable DNA testing kit.

   Kentucky just knocked out 3 of last years Final Four teams back to back to back. Nothing funny about that!

   I had a nightmare last night where no dogs would let me pet them. It was awful...