Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine

   I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...

   I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken

   I don't know if anyone ever does anything as much as LL Cool J licks his lips.

   there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started

   I'm watching the OJ series, and I'm beginning to rethink my position......Kato really was a douche.

   Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".

   How come the judge let that Hulk Hogan wear that idiotic do-rag in court?

   Fact: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

   Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever. Bartenders, they are called bartenders.

   A Perfect High School Prom Theme For 2016: An Enchanted Night at a Trump Rally.

   Bring back stoner dude

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.