Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wishing you and your family a happy, stressless, apolitical, irreligious, nonviolent, and painful-childhood-revelation-free Thanksgiving.

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling

   You can never trust anyone 100%. Suicide is proof that you can't even trust yourself with your own life.

   I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.

   What's the over/under on the football psi??

   Bill Belichick will still list Brady as "questionable" on the injury report for the first 4 games of next season.

   I hate it when you are singing along to a song and the singer gets the words wrong.

   I call my car the "pu$$y wagon" because that's where I go to cry

   A Lover says, `I will be with you in all your troubles`. But a Good Friend says, `You will have no trouble when I am with you!`

   Besides seeing it on money, 'government' and 'trust' do not mix.

   That posh voice that your mum puts on when she's on the phone:')

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.

   Just because a few people of questionable eyesight and judgment say you are pretty does not automatically make you a model.

   My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

   I don't understand why people in movies open doors so slowly to be stealthy. Doors only creak when you do that. I mean, try opening your door really quickly. Not a sound.

   It doesn't bother me when I see men and women trade sex everyday like some kind of commodity. What bothers me is when they disguise and try to pass it off as dating. Remove the money element and the relationship crumbles.

   Never again will I eat a foot long corn dog at a nude beach.!!!

   don't you wish that cold a@@ Coors train was running through your neighborhood today?" Hell yeah. RIGHT NOW!

   We dont remember anything from last night....Remember