Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink:

   when the sun hits your laptop screen, and you realise it has enough dust to start your own desert.

   My day has sucked so much I keep looking around to see if Rob Schneider is in it.

   it just me, or was music better when ugly people were allowed to make it?

   My wife just put me in charge of obeying her.

   Easter falls on 4/20 this year...... Easter Bunny is going to have completely different grass in his basket!

   I don’t think I’d ever be offended by other men hitting on my girlfriend. I’d me more offended if they didn’t. Coz what’s wrong with her?

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   Girls, not all guys are jerks... just most of us

   I'm getting use to the straight jacket, but this typing with your tongue is such bullsh*t!!

   I love when my friends tell me they have 3 or 4 days off from work. Then want to make plans to go out and expect me to pay the bill because their check sucked. Well maybe your a$$ should of went to work instead of bragging about being off.

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. All you do is play games...

   I got some tarter control toothpaste. I still got tarter but that sh*t is under control. 

   reached an ALL TIME LOW. Just told my boss he had some dirt on his forehead... Thank You Ash Wednesday.

   I wish liquor stores were like my ex girlfriend, open 24/7 and really cheap *rj*

   WHAT DO WE WANT..?..WHEN DO WE WANT IT..? We don't know.!! -Women's protest rally.

   Teachers are a bad influence on our kids. For one thing, some of them are nearly 40 and still in the third grade.

   finds that I tend to say “I don't know” when I'm too lazy to think.

   the only reason I enjoy Christmas is because it is the one time of the year that my habit of sitting in front of a dead tree, eating chocolates out of my socks, whilst waiting for a strange fat man to enter my house, is considered a normal event!

   The most patriotic thing I've done this year is not watch American Idol.