Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat